how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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