like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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