I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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