I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
