I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize