You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
