My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I lost the right to judge tonight
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
