I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
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That's how twitter works, right?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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