I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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