Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
