is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
