I heard we made out
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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