I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize