hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
