I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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