Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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