I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
