Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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