Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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