you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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