Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
