i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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