do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
