if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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