i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You made out with two different species that night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
