I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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