I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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