When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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