Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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