The maid of honor just puked.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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