We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
