I think I won the penis lottery.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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