my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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