My hand turned me down
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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