you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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