The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
