addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
