You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
