this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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