Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
