im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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