i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
