Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
