this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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