I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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