My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
