I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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