I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
