The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
