it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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