maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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