dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
