I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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