I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
