I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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