I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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